It’s been 2 months since I heard the words that I can’t get out of my head… “yes, you are pregnant but, it’s not gonna stick”, and I’d be lying if I said I felt any better about any of it. I sometimes almost wish that I had just ignored what I felt and just waited a little longer. My body would’ve just done what it was gonna do anyway… Then, I probably would have just shrugged it off as being “really late” getting my period and I wouldn’t have known any of this was going on. There is no undoing this, ever.

My husband and I have decided that we aren’t going to have any more children. He is getting a vasectomy and the process of that also has added some doubt and second guessing in my own mind. If I sit and think logically, we are done…and it was a decision that was made before I even knew I was pregnant this last time so it isn’t like we made this decision on a whim. It doesn’t change the fact that this is just another added factor in my sadness. It’s all so final and so permanent. Like I said, in my “right mind” I know this makes sense and this is the best decision for our family, but it’s still hard. I’m still grieving…my question is, “When does it end?”

One of my best friends said something to me that helps, she said “You will probably never be truly over it…” and for some reason I felt like that was what I needed to hear, even though I already sorta knew that in my heart. I guess hearing someone else say it made it more acceptable. Why wouldn’t that be acceptable though, ya know? It’s a child… you are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to. Again, like I said in the initial post… some people can be OK with the loss of a miscarried baby and others can’t. I can’t.

I have no sonogram photos to save, I have no pictures, I have no ashes to put in a box… I have nothing to really “remember” this baby by… I don’t know if that should makes this easier or harder? Which brings me to the next question, after I have my ceremony at the beach will I feel any better? Will having a picture and a memory make it feel more “done” and over with? Obviously I don’t expect anyone to have the answers for me except God. It’s still new… 2 months isn’t a long time I guess. The truth is that I have a hard time processing things like this. My great-grandmother passed away when I was 9 years old and I still don’t think that I ever really processed that correctly… my grandmother is slowly fading and I can’t even begin to tell you how hard that has been… it’s a lot going on right now.

We are doing the beach memorial tomorrow…

Religion sucks, lets just be honest
Oh ya this poem might offend some of you, actually nah that’s a promise.
One reason I hate religion is because they usually choose
To propogate a moralistic gay hating republican jesus you see on fox news
If religion is so great, why has it started so many wars?
Why does it build huge churches, but fails to feed the poor?
Tells single moms God doesn’t love them if they’ve ever been divorced
Yet God in the Old Testament actually calls the religious people whores
but before you accuse me, realize those are his words not mine,
He says, “Israel has played the whore in their actions!” Psalm 106 verse 39
Religion preaches grace, but another thing they practice,
Tend to ridicule Gods people, they did it to John the Baptist,
Cant fix their problems, so they try to mask it,
Not realizing that’s just like sprayin perfume on a casket
Because the problem with religion is that it never gets to the core,
It’s just behavior modification, like a long list of chores.
Let’s dress up the outside, make things look nice and neat,
Its funny that’s what they do to mummies, while the corpse rots underneath,
Now I ain’t judging I’m just saying be careful of putting on a fake look,
Because there’s a problem if people only know that you’re a Christian by that little section on your facebook
In every other aspect of life you know that logics unworthy
Its like saying you play for the seahawks just because you bought a jersey
But see I played this game too; no one seemed to be on to me,
I was acting like church kid, while addicted to pornography.
A slave to lust i started calling girls sluts and hoes,
Even worse telling them “I Love You”, just so they’d take off their clothes.
I’d go to church on Sunday, but on saturday getting faded,
Acting as if I was simply created to have sex and get wasted.
I didn’t actually love Jesus I just played the game, didn’t think I needed to change,
Didn’t let the cross transform me, I just wanted to wear it on my chain.
Spend my whole life putting on this façade of neatness,
But now that I know Jesus, I boast in my weakness.
If grace is water, then the church should be an ocean,
Cuz its not a museum for good people, it’s a hospital for the broken
I no longer have to hide my failures I don’t have to hide my sin,
Because my salvation doesn’t depend on me, it depends on him.
because when I was Gods enemy and certainly not a fan,
God looked down on me and said, “I want that man!”
Which is so different from religious people, which is why Jesus called em fools
Don’t you see hes so much better than just following some rules?
Because religious people say don’t smoke, don’t drink, and no having sex
But Jesus says psh enjoy it all! In its proper context

Now back to the topic, one thing I think is vital to mention,
How Jesus and religion are on opposite spectrums,
One is the work of God one is a man made invention,
One is the cure and one is the infection.
I used to think I had to do good for God to love me, I thought that’s who he was,
But I realized I can rest, because in Jesus he already does.
Because religion is diametrically opposed to the gospel
One says try to earn heaven, but Jesus receive freely, earning is impossible,
Because Religion says do, Jesus says done.
Religion says slave, Jesus says son,
Religion puts you in shackles but Jesus sets you free.
Religion makes you blind, but Jesus makes you see.
Religion only attacks the behavior, when Jesus attacks the seed,
Religion picks off the bad fruit, when Jesus just plants a new tree.

This is what makes religion and Jesus two different clans,
Religion is man searching for God, but Christianity is God searching for man.
Which is why salvation is freely mine, forgiveness is my own,
Not based on my efforts, but Jesus’ obedience alone.
Because he took the crown of thorns, and blood that dripped down his face
He took what I deserved, that’s why we call it grace.
While being murdered he yelled “father forgive them, they know not what they do”,
Because when he was dangling on that cross, he was thinking of you
He paid for all your sin, and then buried it in the tomb,
Which is why im kneeling at the cross now saying come on there’s room
So know I hate religion, in fact I literally resent it
Because when Jesus cried It is finished, I believe He meant it.

It’s of course one of the first questions that I get about my Invisalign trays– “Does it suck to have to take them off to eat?” and my answer is a solid NO!

Sure, it can be a pain at first, but once you get a hang of it, it becomes second nature to just remove them and pop them right back in after eating. OOPS! I forgot to mention one step– you do have to clean them before returning them to your mouth. :/ Honestly, this is the bummer part for me. I often eat on the go and that was my main concern from the get-go. I dreaded having to go to the restroom to brush my teeth every single time I wanted to snack or eat a piece of candy. But, I guess you can say that it’s definitely deterred me from eating somethings sometimes which is a nice perk of being too lazy to brush your teeth.

So, in a totally real moment in my life, here is picture of my dirty trays out of my dirty mouth after I drank some tea and hadn’t brushed my teeth after eating and I just popped the trays into my mouth. The top are the trays that are currently in my mouth and the bottom are the ones that I will be putting on next week. Just look at the difference in color! EEK!

before cleaning them-top; bottom new trays all fresh

I should be embarrassed, but I am not. This is truly a learning experience for me and I hope that I can help someone else out there who is going through treatment to see how awful this can get. Just brush your teeth!

So, HOW do I clean them? And, yes, I do clean them… it’s just not as often as I should, but I promise that my New Year Resolution is to be better at cleaning them every.single.time because one of the results of not being thorough with cleaning them is that they can stay stained like this and then your teeth will look stained, and if you don’t take them out to drink anything other than water {like me drinking tea with them on–no, no!} then that liquid is settling into your teeth and getting in between your trays and teeth which causes staining and weakening of your teeth. No, no no!

Here is how you can clean your trays:

Step one: Use a toothbrush, I use one of my kids old brushes since it is smaller. I also use only a dab of toothpaste. Just the regular ole one that I use to brush my teeth.

**TIP**Be careful how you hold the trays in your hand. They are plastic and you can break them if you are not careful. You will know your own limit once you try it out the first time. Give them a good brush with the toothbrush.**

Step Two: Rinse with cool water. At this point I also rinse the brush and then again, with the water running, I brush the trays inside to make sure that all the food particles and grime that can build up, especially overnight, is gone.

Step Three: Thoroughly rinse with cool water and shake them dry or pat dry with a paper towel. Re-insert into your mouth, but make sure that your mouth is clean, too!

Here you can see the same trays from the 1st picture at top…they are on the top.

As you can see, they are still not as clear and clean as the new set. That is totally my fault. However, I do want to mention that I heard from other Invisalign users that you can use denture cleanser to get them cleaner.

Disclosure: I am a member of the Invisalign Mom Advisory Board and have received complimentary treatment in exchange for my honest feedback. Read more at Invisalign’s site.

Moving past the hurt of a loss is a process, to say the least. Moving past the hurt of losing a child, it seems impossible to be honest. All I can say to describe the pain of a miscarriage is crushed. My soul hurts and my spirit is just damaged. Not beyond repair though, I have to add that. I do have hope in the Lord and know that one day I will see my baby…if not babies {yes, plural!}. I trust that the loss was not a final goodbye. In my quiet time with God and through prayer, I did come to conclusion that since they kept telling me that “this happens all the time, and sometimes you don’t even know you were pregnant and you thought you were just a few days late…” I am convinced that I might have several babies in heaven waiting for their mama to hold them and love them. Meanwhile, they do have their Grandpa Joe up there as well as Great-Grandparents that have gone before them. They are in other words, in good company.

That being said, I do feel the need for closure to this. I recently started searching for ways to memorialize the loss of the baby. I saw things like getting a bracelet, maybe even a tattoo. Others found comfort in buying a stuffed animal, a baby blanket, even statues. I kept going back and forth and decided on a few things.

A blog friend lead me to this site, Christian’s Beach. It’s a beautiful way to remember a child. This really hit home for me because the beach is a place that I have loved all my life. It’s always been my go-to place for soul searching and healing so it makes sense to do something here. Since I was so early on in the pregnancy I wasn’t able to get to know the gender of the baby to name it. My husband and I will have to come up with some way to name the baby. I think that will help. I’m going to take a few flowers and the petals from them to the beach and take some photos of the petals and the name on the sand and frame it. This is probably something that we will do alone. I will be sure to share that experience with you all for those who are interested. I think it’s an absolutely beautiful and peaceful way to say goodbye. I don’t have any ashes or remains of the baby. I’m sorta thankful for that because in all honesty, I don’t know that I would be able to let go of them. This will be more of a symbolization of the letting go.

We did find a sweet statue of an angel holding a baby with a really sentimental heartfelt poem.

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn’t go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home.

Sometimes just words can heal. I’m blessed and thankful for family and friends who have been there for me through this time and continue to be here for me. It’s amazing how God uses total strangers at times as well to minister to us when we need it. Over on a wonderfully inspiring new blog, He First Loved I found this post to be very comforting and reassuring. I needed to have this all lined out for me. I needed to be reminded that although I am crushed and hurting, He is so much more close to me at this time.

To be truthful with you all, I am on medication. I have started taking Lexapro for depression and anxiety. I can see now how this loss was a small blessing in disguise as far as getting me to the point where I needed to be to realize that I have been struggling with a low lying depression for years now. It was magnified by the birth of my daughter and then again magnified by this recent loss. I guess to me, for so long, the word depressed or depression meant that I was weak. It meant that I wasn’t a “good enough” or strong enough Christian and that I must be doing something wrong if I am depressed. Not so. I will never let anyone tell anyone that depression is a sign of weakness. I won’t believe the lie myself. It’s a real diseases and a real struggle and I am now facing it head on. Also, through counseling and support from my closest friends and family, I trust that this will be a turning point for me emotionally as well as spiritually.

I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye…and I don’t think I will ever truly be able to say goodbye. I do have to say — Thank you, precious baby… I will see you one day and until then we, your family, will hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in our arms.

For me, sharing via writing does something for my soul. It sort of frees a little space in my heart, it releases a small part of the hurt inside. I couldn’t even really SEE for a few days now, my eyes so swollen and hurting from crying. Today, it’s turned more towards anger and although I am managing to control it for the most part, I did want to take a minute to share a little here on my blog. It is after all my diary, my little space on this big internet where magically someone who is like me might Google search and find this post. and they might need it. It just might help. So, I will share.

I can’t go into all the details, it’s not something that I want to re-tell at this point. I do however want to share a little bit of the stuff that I have found that has helped me to start to accept what is going on in my body. The hardest part is being painfully very aware of what is happening right now, and what is yet to come.

I have a blighted ovum. After a few days of pain and discomfort and thoughts of cervical cancer or ovarian cancer {which runs in my family} I found out that I have a blighted ovum. At first it was presented to me as “you are pregnant, but it’s not going to stick”. To be honest, I was almost OK with that… that was until I was told very matter-of-fact like that there is an empty womb with a placenta, but no baby. An egg fertilized however, it is not progressing was the basic explanation I was given.

After almost 3 hours of crying in a parked car in a lot, calling my husband and trying to breath enough to even grasp what was before me, I went to Google. It’s what we do nowadays, it’s sometimes helpful. Unfortunately, at this point it was not.

I first found this– “Miscarriages from a blighted ovum are often due to problems with chromosomes, the structures that carry genes.” I again, started to cry so hard. The saying of “sometimes it’s just not meant to be” came into my head and even though I have thought that before and probably even said that to someone who suffered a loss, it felt SO hurtful.

To me, a fertilized egg is a baby. Maybe this comes down to a pro-life or pro-choice debate or whatever but that isn’t even where I want to go with this. This came down to how I felt at the time. I was given some options, schedule a D&C, take medicine, or allow my body to handle it naturally. In my gut, it wasn’t even an question really, I want to let my body do what is natural. I understand this will be easier said than done. I also realize this drags out this situation longer. It’s a really tough spot to be in, I can’t even explain to you all the thoughts that have gone through my mind.

I’ve been searching the internet looking for SOMETHING that would help me, something to make me feel even a little better about this. I feel so alone, so upset, confused, a little angry, frustrated this is happening…so many emotions and ups and downs that I can barely stand to talk to my own mother. It’s a hurt so deep that I don’t believe I can ever truly 100% accept this.

Here are some of the things that I have come to understand in my OWN mind- I’m obviously not a doctor or nurse or anything, I’m just a woman who is going through a very very awful experience and want to share:

Was there a baby at the moment the blighted ovum was discovered? No. Sadly, the egg isn’t developing as “normal” and the pregnancy has failed for lack of better words. Everything else is on cruise control because my body doesn’t know there is no longer a baby. It’s confusing mentally because I feel pregnant and want to “be careful” with lifting my 5 year old, but it won’t make a difference.

Was there ever a baby there originally? In my opinion, YES! There absolutely was a fertilized egg, that is the very essence of what a blighted ovum is. The problem is that most likely due to chromosomal abnormalities the fertilized egg stopped growing.

People making comments about there not being a “real baby” are hurtful. Just like the loss of any other person you love and cherish, this is a loss and a grieving process is going on. You can’t tell someone who has gone through this that there is no baby, or that there never was. I know what I feel and it’s real. Yes, I have 3 kids and they are healthy and I am SO blessed for having them. It doesn’t make this pain any less real.

If you feel there was no baby and that it helps you, so be it. For me, I want to make this clear however, I feel strongly that the fertilized egg and those cells that came together were very much my baby, even if it was for a short time. It was there long enough to produce a placenta to nourish it.

I am personally heartbroken and having a hard time coping with this. I’ll get to the place of acceptance one day, not now. I’ll never get over it, it will NEVER be “ok”. I’m not ignorant to the fact that this happens to women all the time, I know that. I don’t blame anyone, especially God, with that being said I don’t like to hear that “God knows why” because that goes without saying… and no offense to anyone who has said that, I get it. I just don’t need to know WHY or HOW and I don’t need an answer or for anyone to “fix” this. I need prayer.

That fertilized egg was, in my heart, our baby.

Retails Online: $40-60+
Cost to make: $22 for enough materials to make 2 in a size 2T

Ok, so this was real simple and fun to make so, you have to try it yourself! It is the basic rule of thumb for making a tulle tutu– you use elastic or ribbon measured to your child and you slipknot tulle on the elastic. Google How to Make a Tutu and you will see how easy it is {full tutorial coming here if you can wait}

Instead of fully using tulle or fully using fabric I mixed a few elements here. I found some beautify glittered ribbon with a Christmas theme but it was wired ribbon. Wire + kids = no bueno. So, I simply removed the wire as I cut the strips. TIP: Keep the wire! You can use it for bow making! or even for floral arrangements or whatever. It’s reusable for sure. I also used some grosgrain ribbon. You can get as funky as you want, that’s the fun and unique part of this project!

So, grab some tulle, fabric scraps {you can simply cut a slit in a piece of fabric and RIP it to get a real shabby look} and ribbon of all sorts and go for it! I think I’m gonna try another one and add some hot glued on sparkles!

No matter how far I try to get away from boutique-ish stuff it always calls my name! and, with so many past clients I can’t say NO to anyone who asks if I can make them something for a better price then what they see online.

Ever feel like you missed out on life? I mean, we all have those times in our lives that either went to quickly, or we didn’t get to fully enjoy the experience…or we just didn’t experience at all. Some typical “Rites of Passage”:

-Puberty
-Birthdays
-Getting a Drivers License
-Obtaining a First Car
-Prom
-First Date
-Making or not making the school play, athletic team or other competitive team
-First job
-First school trip away from home

Maybe you never went to Prom. Or maybe you didn’t get to drive a car until later in life. Maybe you were the kid who didn’t ever get picked for any sport or never made the cut for the school play. I deal with a lot of girls who didn’t make the cheer squad and are now well, living out their teenage dreams in other forms. Anyway, for me, it was braces. I did it all, but I didn’t get braces.

So many of my friends had braces when we were Freshmen in High School. By the time our Senior Year rolled around they had perfectly straight teeth and gleaming smiles. I didn’t. I was the oldest of 3 kids and in a middle-class home where both parents worked. We had a high rent, lots of bills and 2 cars. I just felt selfish to ask for braces. I think I remember it being mentioned by my dentist and I told my Mom that I didn’t “care”. I did, I just didn’t want to go through the pain for one and for another I didn’t want a metal mouth! I got over it, eventually. That was until I was an adult and in more recent years, I started to work with big brands and companies and was meeting these high level Executives face to face. I felt self conscious.

While I am now on the road to straight and healthy teeth, I can just imagine what so many teens must go through who aren’t able to afford Invisalign, or at least they think they can’t afford it. I always encourage teens that I talk to and work with to have their parents look into Invisalign. It’s often times comparible to the price of traditional braces. It has been a great experience so far, I am about 2 months into treatment now. Besides a few snafu’s which are most user error than anything, I’m seeing results. Even my Mom who hasn’t seen me in almost a year can tell that there is a difference right away when she seen me.

To take a Free Assessment for yourself visit Invisalign Teen’s website. Also, they have testimonials from parents and teens who have gone through treatment.

Disclosure: I am a member of the Invisalign Mom Advisory Board. I have been given complimentary treatment in order to provide you with a first hand account of my experience. All opinions are my own.

Barbie Girl by Aqua… you know the song! I hate to admit that it was my ringtone for a while, but it was. Anyway, Barbie being an iconic staple in the life of the average girl means that not only did I have tons and tons of Barbie dolls growing up, my daughters do too. Over the years Barbie has changed a lot and given that my oldest daughter is bi-racial, it’s awesome to find Barbie’s that look like her. Barbie has come a long, long way.

I have a secret… I always sorta was jealous that there wasn’t a Barbie like ME. I mean, sure there were some that were close– brown hair, maybe hazel eyes…but, still not close enough. Today while in NYC we went into the Toys R Us and of course, we had to go into the magical land of Barbie and into her house… well, well, well…imagine my surprise and utter giddiness when I came across this little gem.

I SMILED SO BIG! It’s meeeeeee! Hubby even said “Wow, they have a Barbie just like you!” I died. I mean, seriously, look at this

Down to the pink lips and side swept bangs, this is my TWIN! In Barbie form which is even better! Sadly, I had to leave the store without my Barbie clone because I left my wallet in the car! boo! So, who thinks that this needs to be The Posh Parent Barbie? Complete with her MacBook, iPhone and Quinny stroller with 3 kids in tow.

A boob job, breast implants, going under the knife… it’s not an easy decision to make, and to be honest that whole knife part if what scares me the most. I mean, after 3 c-sections I have more than my fair share of surgery scars. For most moms I know, especially mothers of more than one child, our bubbies are not what they used to be. It’s normal, it happens, but what if maybe, just maybe… we want to boost our self esteem and get back out tatas?

Being on the very early end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I do have to admit I feel a tad selfish about talking about elective surgery when I know one woman who had breast cancer and breast augmentation was necessary for her to look “normal” after her surgery to remove the cancer. Either way, whether you are for or against breast implants, I think it’s great that there are sites out there that help with the big decision, because it is a big decision, and a commitment.

My BFF had her boobs done before I knew her. When I first met her I remember thinking– GAH! she has the perfect body! and I remember telling her something about her boobs and she was like Gurl, these are bought! {Yes, women are weird and we say that to each other! lol} She gave her her doctor’s information and I looked online and I was so dead set on getting mine lifted. Then, the more I looked into it I realized that there were so, so many decisions that had to be made beside the basic yes or no.

Do you want breast augmentation or a lift? Saline or silicone? What about the size? Did you know there are textures to the implants? I mean, these are some really important questions and you need to know and research each option. All that information put my boobie dreams on the back burner because I knew I didn’t have the time, or the money to even start the whole process. Oh, that didn’t stop me from getting into “the talk” about it with my husband. He, of course, gave the good ole “I love your body the way it is….” speech. I let it go for the time being.

Cut to 3 years later, and I’m pregnant. Cut to a little over 1 year later and I have the baby, I nursed her for a solid 7 months and “the girls” were a tad, umm, deflated. Guess what hubby’s story was then? “Well, babe…I mean, if this will help you feel better then maybe we should consider it…” It’s all fun and games until someone sees your boobs sadder than ever. hee hee

It’s been a while now, to be honest, the girls actually bounced back after that and although I am happier with where they are now then I was after I stopped nursing, I’m still not 100% satisfied with them. I was way fuller in my 20′s pre-babies. I’d just like to have back that which what was rightfully mine to begin with. I’ll be 32 this June and feel like after 3 kids and losing weight on my own, eating healthy and really taking care of myself otherwise, I’d love that finishing touch… I’d like to just wake up and be ready to go with just a normal bra {and be able to ditch the optical illusion bras I buy now!}

The decision is still not 100% made, but I’m happy to share with you that there is a website that has a ton of information on all the questions you may have, the questions you will need to ask and even help finding a doctor! It’s called BreastImplants.org and they are the sponsors of this post. Please visit the site if you are searching for help in making the decision, or have made the decision and are ready to get a consultation with a trusted surgeon in your area.

Disclosure: This post was brought to you by BreastImplants.org. See full Disclosure information here

I’ve spent a lot of time busy. Busy working, busy being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister… just being everything to everyone, and not being there for myself. This, obviously, led to a string of events in my life recently that I’m finally open to sharing with you all.

It started with the concussion, and it hopefully ends with some blessed times ahead for myself, my family and my community.

There is no way that I can cover everything in this one post, but I did want to share a little something with you that helped me not only gain some perspective, it also was the most cost effective way to refresh and revive my soul.

I was calling it my “get away” until my Pastor {and friend} Trent told me that he, too has done this, but he calls it a “Personal Retreat”. Now, that sounds normal, right? So, I went on a Personal Retreat this last weekend. It started on Saturday afternoon and ended Sunday afternoon {late check-outs rock!} I took with me some comfy jammies, slippers, all my necessarily toiletries and makeup as well as a nice outfit for the check out day. I left my iPad and computer at home and turned my phone off {hubby had the hotel number and my room number in case of emergency}. I brought a notebook, pens {4 just in case!}, a pencil, a Sharpie {because everything looks better in fine point black ink} and my Bible. Not my Bible app on my iPhone– my actual Bible!

Luckily, my husband is a Platinum member with Marriot hotels so I had a comped room at a Towne Suites location. It was a very cozy hotel room with a fridge and a stove and coffee maker. The lobby had a mini market so I was able to grab some Ice Cream {Cherry Garcia!} and a water and literally retreat away in my room. Oh, and I grabbed dinner to-go from T.G.I. Fridays {Jack Daniels Sampler and Spinach & Artichoke Dip} Even now, writing about it, makes me smile and remember how fabulous it all was.

So, there I was all geared up and fed and relaxed. No kids running around, no cat meowing for food or attention, no cars driving by {we live on a sorta busy road}, and nothing to do except gather my thoughts onto paper and pray…and listen.

So much came up in the days before this retreat. I just made myself a note in my iPhone notes and then before I left the house I printed it out. My friend Trent had also sent me some worksheets to use if needed, I did use them. I also dug up my Class 303 notes {a class where you recognize your God-given talents and gifts} I separated my life into categories and in order of importance. It went something like this:

Personal/Spiritual Life
Marriage
Kids/Family Time
Immediate Family/Close Friends {and people I want to create close friendships with}
Church/Ministry
Work/Career
Volunteer/Community

I went to bed about 80% satisfied with what I had written down and I figured I’d get to bed early and wake up ready to finish up. I prayed, and honestly felt a little defeated in my purpose for the retreat. I was scared to think that this one night wasn’t going to be enough time to get it ALL out. When else would I do this if not this weekend? Either way, I prayed and had some ice cream and watched a little television. Believe it or not, that was when that last 20% fell into my lap and off the bed I jumped to get my notebook.

It just came flowing out of my head and onto the paper. It was so clearly set out so quickly and there were NO missing parts to it. It reminded me of my epiphany about bible college and Youth ministry. It was the same vibe, the same feeling of God himself whispering this into my ear and holding me and saying “this is what I want you to do…and how you will do it”

The entire time I kept hearing Proverbs 16:3 “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” and Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As I set out to carry through some of the initial steps necessary to make this vision come to life I will share with you as much as I can. I also will be sharing with you more about the breakdown part leading up to this retreat because I think it’s important to share my brokeness as well as my successes.

I’ve decided, along with my husband, that this personal retreat is a necessity every 3 months. The need for a work at home mom, or even a stay at home mom to feel sane and rested is so important. There was a week or so that I literally thought that I was in need of stronger medication and I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, if I didn’t actually have one and just had not realized it. Trust me when I say it was a scary time. I’m glad that the Lord kept me safe, kept my heart protected and kept my sanity for me…and restored to me all the clarity and passion I need to now make this next step in my career and in my family life.