I’ve had my fair share of depression, if not more. I know that depression isn’t anything new and that in fact there are hundreds of people that I know or have crossed paths with that have suffered from the same demons as I do. Knowing those things honestly doesn’t make it any easier for me to accept, to be honest. I know that I am not alone and that is all fine and well, but it doesn’t comfort me.
I thought about posting a picture of me in deep thought or looking out a window or something more dramatic like that, but in reality the picture of me above is ME. Looking at me in my everyday life you probably wouldn’t know that I have any issues with depression because most of the time I am smiling. I am laughing, I am cracking jokes or being a smart a$$. I’m not the typical picture of depression on most days. I will be honest and tell you that I certainly do have those days, sometimes clustered together, of just BLAH.
I knew this woman who also suffered from depression and anxiety and while we were talking one day I was telling her that it is so frustrating to feel one way on the inside, depressed, and then look another way on the outside because I felt like no one understood that just because I don’t sulk around all day doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. She said to me very matter of fact like “You’re a duck” and I laughed.. “What?” She said “you’re a duck… above the water all you see is this graceful, cute little duck gliding on the water seemingly effortlessly, but underneath that water those legs and feet are just going crazy to keep the duck afloat… You’re a duck!” YES. THAT! That is a perfect way to describe how I feel and who I am.
Yesterday at church the sermon was entitled “Ugly Praise”. The Pastor’s basic message was that when we are in a ditch, and there seems to be no way out and we might even feel hopeless… we need to praise God. I understand that might be a difficult concept to understand because most people do like I do, once we get past that tough point then, we praise the Lord for delivering us. Well, we’re all getting it wrong. You see, even when we are struggling to get by He is working on something and all we truly need to do is praise Him while we wait. I heard once that if you are waiting for help from the Lord you should go out and help others. I think that also applies here. Not that God needs our help necessarily, but we can still praise and serve him even in our brokenness.
I don’t like to admit that I struggle or fight demons on the daily. It’s not something that I am proud of. I guess I see it as a sign of weakness, but this is me. Some days I am happy, and some days I am sad, and some days I am a mixture of both. I’m done hiding the way I feel from day to day just because it changes and I am afraid of what someone might think or say. This is me. I’m a work in progress and I will get out of this ditch.