It’s been 2 months since I heard the words that I can’t get out of my head… “yes, you are pregnant but, it’s not gonna stick”, and I’d be lying if I said I felt any better about any of it. I sometimes almost wish that I had just ignored what I felt and just waited a little longer. My body would’ve just done what it was gonna do anyway… Then, I probably would have just shrugged it off as being “really late” getting my period and I wouldn’t have known any of this was going on. There is no undoing this, ever.
My husband and I have decided that we aren’t going to have any more children. He is getting a vasectomy and the process of that also has added some doubt and second guessing in my own mind. If I sit and think logically, we are done…and it was a decision that was made before I even knew I was pregnant this last time so it isn’t like we made this decision on a whim. It doesn’t change the fact that this is just another added factor in my sadness. It’s all so final and so permanent. Like I said, in my “right mind” I know this makes sense and this is the best decision for our family, but it’s still hard. I’m still grieving…my question is, “When does it end?”
One of my best friends said something to me that helps, she said “You will probably never be truly over it…” and for some reason I felt like that was what I needed to hear, even though I already sorta knew that in my heart. I guess hearing someone else say it made it more acceptable. Why wouldn’t that be acceptable though, ya know? It’s a child… you are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to. Again, like I said in the initial post… some people can be OK with the loss of a miscarried baby and others can’t. I can’t.
I have no sonogram photos to save, I have no pictures, I have no ashes to put in a box… I have nothing to really “remember” this baby by… I don’t know if that should makes this easier or harder? Which brings me to the next question, after I have my ceremony at the beach will I feel any better? Will having a picture and a memory make it feel more “done” and over with? Obviously I don’t expect anyone to have the answers for me except God. It’s still new… 2 months isn’t a long time I guess. The truth is that I have a hard time processing things like this. My great-grandmother passed away when I was 9 years old and I still don’t think that I ever really processed that correctly… my grandmother is slowly fading and I can’t even begin to tell you how hard that has been… it’s a lot going on right now.
We are doing the beach memorial tomorrow…
Stalkers Welcome!