For me, sharing via writing does something for my soul. It sort of frees a little space in my heart, it releases a small part of the hurt inside. I couldn’t even really SEE for a few days now, my eyes so swollen and hurting from crying. Today, it’s turned more towards anger and although I am managing to control it for the most part, I did want to take a minute to share a little here on my blog. It is after all my diary, my little space on this big internet where magically someone who is like me might Google search and find this post. and they might need it. It just might help. So, I will share.

I can’t go into all the details, it’s not something that I want to re-tell at this point. I do however want to share a little bit of the stuff that I have found that has helped me to start to accept what is going on in my body. The hardest part is being painfully very aware of what is happening right now, and what is yet to come.

I have a blighted ovum. After a few days of pain and discomfort and thoughts of cervical cancer or ovarian cancer {which runs in my family} I found out that I have a blighted ovum. At first it was presented to me as “you are pregnant, but it’s not going to stick”. To be honest, I was almost OK with that… that was until I was told very matter-of-fact like that there is an empty womb with a placenta, but no baby. An egg fertilized however, it is not progressing was the basic explanation I was given.

After almost 3 hours of crying in a parked car in a lot, calling my husband and trying to breath enough to even grasp what was before me, I went to Google. It’s what we do nowadays, it’s sometimes helpful. Unfortunately, at this point it was not.

I first found this– “Miscarriages from a blighted ovum are often due to problems with chromosomes, the structures that carry genes.” I again, started to cry so hard. The saying of “sometimes it’s just not meant to be” came into my head and even though I have thought that before and probably even said that to someone who suffered a loss, it felt SO hurtful.

To me, a fertilized egg is a baby. Maybe this comes down to a pro-life or pro-choice debate or whatever but that isn’t even where I want to go with this. This came down to how I felt at the time. I was given some options, schedule a D&C, take medicine, or allow my body to handle it naturally. In my gut, it wasn’t even an question really, I want to let my body do what is natural. I understand this will be easier said than done. I also realize this drags out this situation longer. It’s a really tough spot to be in, I can’t even explain to you all the thoughts that have gone through my mind.

I’ve been searching the internet looking for SOMETHING that would help me, something to make me feel even a little better about this. I feel so alone, so upset, confused, a little angry, frustrated this is happening…so many emotions and ups and downs that I can barely stand to talk to my own mother. It’s a hurt so deep that I don’t believe I can ever truly 100% accept this.

Here are some of the things that I have come to understand in my OWN mind- I’m obviously not a doctor or nurse or anything, I’m just a woman who is going through a very very awful experience and want to share:

Was there a baby at the moment the blighted ovum was discovered? No. Sadly, the egg isn’t developing as “normal” and the pregnancy has failed for lack of better words. Everything else is on cruise control because my body doesn’t know there is no longer a baby. It’s confusing mentally because I feel pregnant and want to “be careful” with lifting my 5 year old, but it won’t make a difference.

Was there ever a baby there originally? In my opinion, YES! There absolutely was a fertilized egg, that is the very essence of what a blighted ovum is. The problem is that most likely due to chromosomal abnormalities the fertilized egg stopped growing.

People making comments about there not being a “real baby” are hurtful. Just like the loss of any other person you love and cherish, this is a loss and a grieving process is going on. You can’t tell someone who has gone through this that there is no baby, or that there never was. I know what I feel and it’s real. Yes, I have 3 kids and they are healthy and I am SO blessed for having them. It doesn’t make this pain any less real.

If you feel there was no baby and that it helps you, so be it. For me, I want to make this clear however, I feel strongly that the fertilized egg and those cells that came together were very much my baby, even if it was for a short time. It was there long enough to produce a placenta to nourish it.

I am personally heartbroken and having a hard time coping with this. I’ll get to the place of acceptance one day, not now. I’ll never get over it, it will NEVER be “ok”. I’m not ignorant to the fact that this happens to women all the time, I know that. I don’t blame anyone, especially God, with that being said I don’t like to hear that “God knows why” because that goes without saying… and no offense to anyone who has said that, I get it. I just don’t need to know WHY or HOW and I don’t need an answer or for anyone to “fix” this. I need prayer.

That fertilized egg was, in my heart, our baby.